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The Comedy News For 07/31/10

Daily Sarcasticopes for 07/31/10

Aries Giving a walkman to a double amputee is rude no matter how much you think it will encourage that person to become like Wolverine and grow back a few missing limbs. If you object to stem cell research, you might also want to keep your political opinions to yourself.

Leo If the U2 Album Under a Blood Red Sky characterizes any relationship, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Sagittarius Boot camp is a bad place to give the peace sign. I know you're not there right now, but for future reference, wishing we would all just get along really misses the general point of training a soldier to successfully win a war.

Taurus Someone who is frothing at the mouth the moment they see you may not be sexually attracted to you. They may have rabies. All we're saying is to unlock the gun cabinet and be prepared.

Virgo Faith is often rewarded with riches beyond measure. By the way, something really small is hard to measure too.

Capricorn They say sex is an emotion in motion. Often times, that emotion is reverse. Just remember sometimes when someone says that you put them in gear, the gear they're referring to is Neutral.

Gemini If there was any truth in the phrase you make your own luck a lot more people would win the lottery. By the way your lucky numbers are five two digit numbers that won't remotely come to your mind when you buy your next ticket.

Libra There's an old saying, "Make love not war." However, usually one leads to the other making the war inevitable.

Aquarius My Funny Valentine makes a good wedding song if you're dating a clown.

Cancer You're not on a diet because you buy the 99 cent bag of Lays. This is especially true if the slogan, "Bet you can't eat just one," could be applied to how you drift to sleep while snacking on the barbeque variety in bed.

Scorpio When you break someone's heart, be careful they didn't sign the organ donor card. Accidents happen and Karma can have a cruel sense of justice.

Pisces Right now you're close to someone who's about to win an Academy Award for being a Drama Queen. This is a time to outsource your award nomination for Best Supporting Actor in a snuff film to the understudy before things on the Red Carpet get really out of hand.