Shayne-Michael.COMedy

Road Comedy NO .1: Life On The Road - by Shayne Michael

Before you start playing the road, you should be aware of a few things. Most are common sense. However, if you hear them before you start a tour you will still be much better off. Some of these rules are essential, like take care of your car.

Other rules you can choose to avoid. For instance, there are no relationships on the road. One nighters don't lead to relationships, they lead to other one nighters. You can choose to ignore the advice, but you'll regret it later.

Before I start, this series is meant mostly for people embarking on a tour of one night shows. It's still appropriate if you're touring comedy clubs. However, a lot of what I'm discussing here stems from moving from day to day. Hence, while appropriate to comedy clubs in general, it is more applicable to one night shows.

The Golden Rule Of The Road: Care For Your Car

I don't mean wash it. Honestly, nobody in Bozeman Montana cares if you drive a Lexus; nor, do they care how clean you keep it. When I say care for your car, I mean make sure that it is always running.

Remember, the nearest service station may be 100 miles away. The next place where you can buy tires might be 150 miles away. The nearest place you can buy four tires, might be 200 miles in a completely different direction. All three might be in the opposite direction as your next show.

If you're in snow country you're even worse off. There may be no way a tow truck can get over the icy pass you crossed to get to the small city you're playing outside of Aspen Colorado tonight. And if it did, it's very likely your car would fall into a gorge if the tow truck driver tried. When you're playing Bozeman or Aspen, you do not want to get stuck halfway between one show and the next. You're mom will not pick you up. The girl you left to play Bozeman will probably just laugh if you ask for help.

Don't skip oil changes. If anything, schedule them early. Don't skip tire rotations. Always have chains for driving through the snow. In case of emergency always have at least one spare tire and keep extra oil and water in the back of the car. You should also have flares. One accident on the road can end a week of paychecks. If you're car gets totaled, you can miss an entire month of shows.

It also helps to have a cell phone. If you don't, at the very least have a calling card.

Rule # 2: You Will Eat Out A Lot: Understand The Consequences

Do you like McDonalds? It's difficult to keep a cooler full of food from spoiling when you don't have a refrigerator. It's usually cheaper to eat out than to try. You can only store food that doesn't need to be cooked. In most hotels, microwaves and stoves are not standard issue. If they were, you would never spend money in their lounge. You might also burn the place down. That can be bad for business.

If you do end up eating at Jack In The Box every day, keep in mind there will be a toll on your health and weight. If you're act is about being overweight, great you'll get material. And, most venues will feed you; it's cheaper than paying you. However, if you have been cast in movies or commercials due to how you look, keep in mind the this generosity can take that from you.

There is rarely a gym where you can work the food off. If you plan on going back to Los Angeles and getting cast in your own sitcom, the weight you put on eating out and getting paid in meals might make LA agents seriously look at casting someone else. You can solve this by taking a small piece of a home gym with you. You can do this with a few weights or even elastic bands. Keeping things like this with you will also give you a productive way to use your time when you are not writing.

Rule # 3: It's Not As Easy To Write As You Think

If you could just quit your day job you could write so much more. Reality doesn't always work like that. If you're on the road, you drive a lot. Sometimes you will cover 1000 miles in three days. If you are doing a string of one-night shows, daily 300 mile drives are not uncommon. It's very difficult to drive 300 miles and then sit down and write for even a half hour. Know that before you start.

Take advantage of shorter drives. When you get an off night, use the time to write. Don't depend on regularly scheduled writing sessions. On the road nothing is scheduled except the time and date of the next show. Don't plan on writing at 5pm every day. You might have to set up the amp at 4:30pm. Don't plan on writing at 6:00, you might have to drive the headliner to AA. Don't plan on writing every day at 7:00, you may not be able to eat after 7:30 if every restaurant closes by 8:00.

Rule # 4: Cable TV Is Bad

Cable TV is bad for two reasons. First off, if you're watching it, you probably should be writing. At the very most stop after an hour. Here's the second reason, in smaller towns your probably watching TV that is beyond the scope of the town your playing. Not everyone has TVs. It's even less likely they have cable. If you make a reference to something you saw on WTBS you might the audience. There is a good chance they have no idea what happened today in Atlanta. There's an even better chance they don't care.

In at least one city in Oregon, they hate Ted Turner so much for buying up their land, they'll throw stuff at you for mentioning his name or his station. Either way, watching it is wasting valuable time. And time, you can't get back.

Rule # 5: Tape Every Show

Tape every show with both audio and video. Maybe the last thing you want to do is admit to an agent in Los Angeles that you played Bozeman Montana. However, a video tape from Bozeman is a great way to get road work in Cheyenne. In fact, it's more likely to get you road work than that one man show you produced in Burbank. Believe me, the rednecks in Cheyenne don't care about you're one man show.

The other reason for taping is the strong likelihood of getting good tapes when you perform every night. If you're playing the road, there's a very good chance that you will be doing a lot of shows. If you're doing a lot of good shows the chances of a good tape are very high. If you don't tape every night, there's a good chance you'll miss taping a that perfect show.

Rule # 6: Bar Owners Like Long Shows Not Good Ones

The road is one of the few places where you should never go over the light or under the light. Remember, bars are in the business of selling drinks. If every comic cuts their act ten minutes, the bar will be selling drinks for a half hour less. Your set might be tighter, but that's not what the bar owner will notice. He'll notice the three beers that didn't make it out of the tap.

Don't stay on stage longer and do a bad set. Instead, be honest about how much material you have. Having a thirty minute act does not mean you have a thirty minute act on the road. All LA specific material needs to be eliminated. If you're entire act is on "LA is so different from New York," you have no have road act at all.

So be honest with the booker. Request a length of time you can do. If you're just starting, don't ask for any more than opener and emcee. Later, when you're comfortable with that job, ask for more. However, if you're booked for a set longer than your material, don't stop writing until you have an appropriate set for the slot.

Rule # 7: Different States Mean Different Laws: Different Countries Mean Different Worlds

In most cities if you don't wear a seat belt in the back seat of a car, you're committing no crime. Lap belts can cut people in half so no legislature is dumb enough to mandate them, unless your the legislature of Montana. In some cities you pay your fines to the cop who stops you [You can find these laws in any Randy McNally book of state road maps.]

Know these things before you get there. You don't want to miss your show because you were awaiting trial for a seat belt violation. I know, nobody awaits trial for a seat belt violation. Spoken like a smart ass from LA.

Things become even more complicated when you leave the country. Canada is not happy when you cross the border to make money. If you don't have a work permit and you take a position as a paid comic you could find yourself in jail. Do you sell CDs from the stage? You're violating another law of international commerce. If you're working as a comic in England (even without pay) you could get deported. While it seems moronic to get deported for doing an open mic, it can happen. Know the rules before you get there.

Rule # 8: Hotels Blame Out Of Towners For Everything

Be extra cautious. In very small towns, you might want to play the part of the maid. Leave the hotel 100 times better than you would leave your own apartment. Small towns can be vindictive. Don't steal the soap. They will hunt you down. Why would they track you down for stealing the soap? Ask yourself this, "What better things have the police here to do?" If the answer is nothing be aware of some things:

First when you play smaller cities, there may never been a murder, robbery or a rape. The residents probably still keep their doors unlocked when they leave for work in the morning. When you steal the soap you might be the biggest crook since Jesse James to ever pass through that town. The missing soap may end up in the town newspaper. You could easily end up on the post office wall. If you ever want to come back to that city, it's better not to be labeled as a hard core felon, even by the standards of Bozeman Montana.

Rule # 9: Don't Leave Anything Behind

When you arrive, don't unpack anything you don't have to. When you leave, check hotel rooms at least three times. While this is just common sense keep this in mind: You might be moving every day. Each time you move is a chance to leave something important behind. Eventually those "things" will include expensive microphones and sound equipment. Getting them back will not be easy. Very few people will tell the management that their hotel room came with a free microphone. And if the management finds it, it's very unlikely that they'll tell you.

If they do find it and tell you have another problem. You're moving every single day. Where do they mail it? The next show? What if you need it now? When the post office guarantees something will be there overnight, their guaranteeing the effort not the results. Therefore, you really can't depend on that microphone being delivered the next day.

The best solution to this problem, is not to leave anything behind in the first place. If you are on the type of tour where you have all the sound equipment, have an inventory list that covers everything important. By everything important, I mean everything that makes you money.

Rule # 10: There Are No Relationships

You're playing Wyoming. You're not going to be in that city tomorrow. Who ever you meet is very unlikely to be at the next show. If she is, be nervous. One nighters lead to other one nighters both on stage and in bed.

Small town life can be depressing. In many cases, fans do get star struck and they latch onto entertainers passing through their cities. They're not in love! They want out. You're heading their way. I know they could get the same thing by hitching a ride, but it's easier if they know the bus driver personally. Before you let them latch onto you make sure that you understand why they want to.

Also be cautious in any road "relationship". The last thing you want is a child conceived in a city you're not sure you ever want to go back to.

Summary Of This Pamphlet

This pamphlet is a brief description of what to expect on the road as a comedian. It covers some of the more important, yet common aspects of traveling from one-nighter to one nighter. By far the most important rule that is mentioned here is to care for your car. Getting stranded can be a very costly experience. And, it can cause you to miss your next gig. If you're lucky it will only cost you one.

Nine other rules were also covered. They included:

• You Will Eat Out A Lot: Understand The Consequences
• It's Not As Easy To Write As You Think
• Cable TV Is Bad
• Tape Every Show
• Bar Owners Like Long Shows Not Good Ones
• Different States Mean Different Laws: Different Countries Mean Different Worlds
• Hotels Blame Out Of Towners For Everything
• Don't Leave Anything Behind
• There Are No Relationships

These rules are not completely comprehensive. They really only cover the basic differences between comedy centered in one location and comedy that moves from city to city. These rules will however give you a strong advantage in understanding the basics of playing the part of an entertainer in the small towns you will pass through.

There are other rules, I did not elaborate on. You also need to know ho to find doctors and medicine when your no where near either one. You should also understand how to find directions without relying on the towns people who have probably never left the city. However, if all you do is keep the ten rules I mentioned up to this point, you'll still have a tremendous head start.