Shayne-Michael.COMedy

Proving Youre Unprofessional - by Shayne Michael

When I book professional comics, I look for someone is so good, that a poor turn out will multiply into a good one, because that comic is worth coming to see twice. Of course, to do that all you need to do is be funny, right? Wrong.

I've watched the bookings at the Malibu Inn and I've noticed many of the headliners don't deserve to be there. They act like anything but a professional on stage. They bad mouth the room off stage. By the time the night is over I forgot their killer material, and just picture them as an ass.

When you finally get booked for having a killer act, here's how you can avoid completely screwing it up for yourself.

Show Up!

I don't care if you had a sitcom audition. I don't care if you were suppose to be the first person cut on Elimidate. None of this justifies your absence at a show you're already booked for. Don't double book yourself. If expected you might have an audition, you should have asked for booking in a different show.

Don't open your act by bragging about the full rooms you always play.

This audience doesn't care. They weren't with you at the last show. They probably won't follow you to the next show. If people did, my room would be full. Even with a less-than-spectacular turn-out you're job is to make these people laugh. Maybe that way, they'll tell a friend and next week's audience will double. You may have only killed for two people, but because of you next week's headliner will kill for six.

If you're an asshole and you call yourself a pro, I'll tell more bookers about you than I would an amateur

At the Malibu Inn, I've noticed two classes of headliners. First class and no class. First class headliners have the attitude, "I'm funny, but thank you for having me here." No class headliners have the attitude, "I'm funny, and you better thank God for having me here. I have two list. One list starts with the title, "Book These". The other list starts with, "Not Even if Hell Freezes Over." If you're an amateur, I'll forgive the mistakes. But if you tell me you're a pro and you act like an idiot, I will put your name on the second list and share it withe everyone I know. Headliners are expected to know better.

You don't get to bring a friend.

The booker decides the line up. Los Angeles, is not the road where you take your opening act with you. Most shows are too long anyway, a real pro would never approach the booker and say, "Would you throw my friend up too?" Tell the booker about your friend before the show. But, that night respect the list. These comics were booked together for a reason. Maybe the booker wanted: high energy, low energy, high energy, give-me-a-guest-spot-at-your-room, headliner. Your friend was not considered in that equation, don't put the booker on the spot to consider him at the last possible minute.

Don't use notes because you want to use my room to rehearse for the Tonight Show.

If you're so far ahead of the game that you have a $600 union/ TV gig, you have the opportunity to stay home and memorize your set. You're job both on the Tonight Show and within my show is to be a professional comic, and professional comics don't use notes for any reason. I doubt Leno wants to be associated with unprofessional comics, who bring notes on stage.

Pros should give more cancellation notice than amateurs.

If you're a headliner or a feature, I'll need more time to replace you. One headliner is harder to find than four openers. So if you jump ship, you need to give the booker time to find that one headliner, not four openers to fill your spot. Headliners should give the booker at least three weeks notice. Features should give the bookers two. And if it's at all possible, you should suggest a good comic who's willing to take your spot.

If you're the headliner don't ask, 'Do I have to go up last?'

When booked correctly shows build to a climax. If you're the climax, play that roll. Don't ask to go in the middle so the entire crowd will walk long before the show is over. As the closer you were hired to headline. You were hired to make everyone in that room leave with the attitude, "God, I wish there was more." You weren't hired to badger to booker into restructuring the line-up until it's no longer in the best interest of the show, and soley in the best interest of yours truly. And honestly, I would never book a headliner twice who asked.

Also don't call in the middle of the show and ask, 'How many people are there tonight, because I have a better job lined up. But, call me sometime when the room is packed.' You're not that important and I'm even thinking of calling you on a good night, I'm thinking of rewarding the comics that would have showed up anyway.

Don't slash anyone's tires, cut anyone's breaks or disconnect anyone's lights.

Believe it or not this has to be said. If you respond to disappointment you're not a headliner or a feature, you're a vandal. I will have you arrested and show up at all your parole hearings. True, many comics play prisons, but not from the inside.

You are replaceable, even if you're a celebrity.

Being a professional means being funny and being kind. Sometimes being funny and being arrogant go hand in hand. We've all done enough late-night shows at the Un-Urban that we have a right to be upset when we land a prebooked show, are told it will be the bomb and drive 50 miles just to learn that bomb is a dud.

However, as mush as you don't deserve it, neither did the booker or the other comics in that show, and you're no more important than they are. It's easy to be a professional when everything's going right. It's much harder when everything falls apart. But if you were booked, because you were a pro, I expect you to be capable of handling either. Pros are booked with next week in mind. You were booked because I thought if two people saw you, next week I could expect four. If you don't deliver that, why in God's name would I ever book you back?